Opening Lines for Difficult Conversations

While resolving conflicts is more about mind sets and intentions than it is about templates, the following “recipes” can help ensure that you get off on the right footing in a difficult conversation.

·        "I am trying to see things from your perspective. Help me understand how you think about . . ..”

·        “I am committed to having this conversation until we can come up with a solution that works for both of us. I would like to start by really trying to understand your concerns.”

·        “I have been reflecting on our previous interaction and I want to tell you what I think I contributed to the problem and what I learned about      myself.” 

·        “You may be right, but I’d like to understand more. What leads you to believe. . .?”

·        “I’m unclear how that connects to what we’ve been saying. Can you say how you see it as important?”

·        “When you said (give illustration) . . . I had the impression you were feeling (fill in the emotion). If so, I would like to understand what upset you. Is there something I’ve said or done?”

·        “This may be more my problem than your, but when you said (give illustration) . . . I felt . . .. Am I misunderstanding what you said or intended?”

·        “My dilemma is that if we move forward with this solution, you will not be happy, but you do not want to continue the conversation. Are there any other options for moving forward that you can think of?”

·        “It seems that you have concluded that (state their beliefs as you understand them) . . .. Help me understand what data that conclusion is based on?”

·        “What I have observed is (state observations). The conclusions I draw from those observations is (state observations). Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?”

·        “When you say such-and-such, I worry that it really means . . .”

·        “Here is what I think we agree on, and here is the area that we still are not in agreement on.”

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 Part of the list is taken from the work of Phillip McArthur and Robert Putnam as written in The Fifth Discipline Field Book, by Senge, Ross, Smith, Roberts and Kleiner, pp. 260 – 263.